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"Plenty of time to be a boring fuck in the grave." E Horne and J Comeau

“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

I absolutely abhor when conversations lead to nonstop talking about other people. I CAN'T STAND IT! What a waste of a life! People could be out writing poetry or the next great American novel. They could be creating masterpieces or traveling the world and making it a better place. But every time I turn around, I find myself trapped in a conversation about another person. It's sickening. And I try to shut it down, but there are so many small minds in the world that it doesn't work. I'll admit, I am not super educated about many things, but I would like to be, and I am trying to move away from gossip and slander, but it's difficult if no one wants to move with you.

And I am not saying that I don't travel that path from time to time, but I want to take the road less traveled. I am not very well educated about life because I have held myself back out of fear. I'm a bore. I feel like I have about 22 stock responses to everything, and every other response is no because I am too afraid of losing control. However, slowly and surely, I am gaining my sense of adventure back. I jumped off two cliffs into a lake earlier in the week. I was absolutely terrified. It took me an hour or so to work up the courage to jump, and I cried and my boys called me a cry baby while supporting me, but I did it. I let myself go. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced, but I did it, and I am better for it.

I listen to people's plans to travel, and though spreading my wings will be terrifying, I'm also positive I won't recover. And that's a good thing. I am learning about letting go. I am learning about responsibilities. I am learning about ideas, and by the time I leave the woods I will have a little life in my pores and be one of the worthies of the world.

"We are born to inquire into truth; it belongs to a greater to possess it." Michel de Montaigne

Today definitely ranks among the worst birthdays I've ever had. I've been spit on by verbal acid, endured eight out of eleven boys trying to break me down. I'm still honeymooning and the words they say out of frustration haven't yet hit home. If and when they do, if and when I crack, I know it's time to move on to the next great adventure. Right now I am still learning. Right now I am still patient, and I feel more patience in this job than I'd felt in jobs where I received more rest. Somehow I know they need me. They are testing me, staring me down, trying to find what works to get past my diamond exterior (only diamond for their negativity, absolutely permeable for the positive things that define them, that can really change them for the better). But they don't know that I am like goblin's silver, only imbibing those things that make me stronger.

My camp Bee Ef Ef left me high and dry on Tuesday afternoon, and I was more melancholy than I'd anticipated. Our last night we stayed up for hours discussing life, how we are affected by our pasts, and what our futures might hold. I miss him lots and hope he's happy. The only thing that I wish he would know is that I truly believed that I had released my guard, but I know now that there is much more on which to work. Intimacy was never my strong suit.

And maybe that's why this job is proving so difficult to me. It's hard to get into my campers' quality worlds, hard for them to trust me. I see in each boy a huge capacity for good. I see in them a desire and ambition. In every boy. Even the ones that hate me because I'm a stranger and want to do for them what their parents and other adults didn't.

I wish I could continue, but I must leave...this is bullshit.

"Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities." Mark Twain

The mornings are brisk when I wake up, and I am realizing that the socks I wear to bed aren't nearly thick enough to keep away the cold. My sleeping bag is a mess as well, and I'll need a new one. My breath is visible when I climb outside of the confines of my sleeping bag; I stretch, put on my shoes, and make my way to the box while all is still quiet. I am pondering the entire way back to campsite whether life was something like this before we began to screw it all up, if the middle of August always used to require a jacket for chilly mornings and cool nights.

I am gaining my night vision back again by learning to follow by starlight and becoming less afraid of the things that go bump in the night. Listening to Pop tell stories makes me braver. Such as the tale of the "Ghost of the Forest"or learning that Blue Herons are anti-social. I am certain that my skin smells of toxic waste to all the beings of the forest, and they steer clear of the poisonous affect my kind has imposed upon the world. I am new to this job, and my boys take advantage of that fact. They attempt to play me, but in the night I become their leader and they again become like six-year-olds frightened of shadows.

The small town in which we reside while not being positive role models is part of a large cluster of small towns. The boys think we have houses all over in Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, and as far away as Kentucky, which is for the best. The thought of one embittered and determined 12-17 year old boy with poor self-control knowing exactly where to go to "get Chief back" will explain why. It is perfect as small towns go. One can find every necessity within walking distance, though for some luxuries, like movie theaters, you must travel farther. None of us has a key to the house, and, though full of "goodies", I have yet to hear a story of robbery. The librarian takes "I.O.U.s", the beach is a 15 minute bike ride away, and there are BYOB restaurants all over the place. If I could barter for the things that I need, life would be even easier.

I don't own a car, but for the time being things here are idyllic. In a few months time, I will be truly fulfilling my wanderlust for the first time in my life through a trip to Spain (then Germany, then wherever Nathan happens to be), and it is only possible through what I am doing now. I am a dream seeker, and I am reminded of a few years back when I began to worry myself to death over the fate of my life and whether I was living it right. I began to follow passion with reckless abandon hoping against hope that it would lead me to great things. Pleasant surprises have become my life, and I will continue to mold myself with passion.

The past year has helped me to reconnect with my family and embrace my responsibility to be a positive role model for my nieces and nephews. I am paving the way and building bridges so that the road they travel isn't quite so difficult. Recent research has found that many youth, especially minority youth, are growing up to be less secure than previous generations. Not on my watch. I will plant a seed in the children whose lives I touch with the instructions on how to build a brighter future for themselves and the world, and it all begins with passion. With passion, everything is possible. This is my lesson, but it doesn't stop there. There will be trials but also great rewards. God rewards our passion with fulfilled lives. I cannot bring hope to every child, but to those that I can, I will not stop. And whether there is a heaven or hell for me, dissolution into everything or nothing at all, there won't be a part of me that wasn't sacrificed to my own greater good.

For the first time in a long time, I am realizing the terms of my own salvation.

"Experience makes more timid men than it does wise ones." Josh Billings

Two things of vital importance:

• I learned to swim today, essentially.
• My nephew was born today. My sister's first.

I can't really do the breathing techniques correctly. Mainly it's the basics. I CAN FLOAT! I was always too afraid to do it before, plus I never really knew how or if I was doing it properly, but now I know how. I'm surprisingly better at the dead man's float than floating on my back, but I can do both. I swim underwater! I kick my feet and propel myself forward! Exciting! I'm trying out working my arms with it, but it'll take a while to get there.

The most exciting part of learning to swim is that I was stopped purely by my mental state. I was so fearful! But giving up that fear is what ultimately changed things. And the crazy thing is that it only took 30 minutes for me to learn! If I could learn to give up my other fears, I would be okay.

My sister had her first baby today! I am so excited for her! I am also extraordinarily nervous. So many people bring children into this world that they can't take care of. I am hoping to God she doesn't become one of those.

return, volver, rentrer, tornare, nach hause kommen

I feel that have glossed over the incredible impact of the last two years. It has been the most transformative period of my life thus far, but what can I truly say about the insight I've gained through service? I don't want to devote my life to money or live an existence with little meaning. Feeling fulfilled has become a passion of mine, and I yearn for it like a junkie yearns for that next hit. My senior year of college, I received a photo frame from my Area Coordinator, Dan, which highlighted this quote:

"This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
George Bernard Shaw

This is the quote with which I have come to realize my worldview. Five years ago when I decided to switch majors for the happiness of it, my thinking shifted with me. I planned to throw myself into life, falling in love with every person I met absolutely and completely, showering the world with the more pleasant aspects of my personality, placing the Other before myself because it is the right thing to do. Looking back over the past five years, I realize those plans have not changed but only increased in depth and intensity. What began as a year off out of necessity has become the single greatest decision of my life.

I have traveled to far off places, encountering so many interesting individuals. Even now I sit in a hotel lobby in North Carolina contemplating how I came to be here. I have learned about love and neverending hope and endurance. I have learned about starting over. And each new journey has brought me closer to pure being.

I recognize two things of modern culture that have stirred me to continue on my way. Last year I read the book Eat Pray Love, or I should say I devoured it. Neglecting the divorce that brought on Elizabeth Gilbert's crushing depression and the padded bank account she possessed from years of a successful career, her story is one with which I identify. I know the yearning the soul can have for the experience she ultimately would take (studying at an ashram in India has been on my list since I first studied Hinduism way back in 2007, two whole years before I'd read the book). These years I have spent have thoroughly prepped me to take on my own challenge. As soon as I set a few affairs in order, I am purchasing Spanish Rosetta Stone and studying as hard as possible so that I can converse with my friends when I visit them in Spain this January.

The second is the movie Yes Man. I saw it recently, and it, too, has enhanced my life. With all my ambition and desire, I have denied myself frequently out of fear, and for that, my life has become stagnant even though I am bursting to fly. My biggest regrets have come from putting things before people, including myself, and I won't make those same mistakes again. I will challenge myself to begin taking advantage of the myriad opportunities I usually deny.

So that is where I stand. Two years and thousands of miles and faces have brought me to stand on the edge of a chasm staring into the abyss. God is beckoning, "Jump with me. Opportunity awaits." Whether it is good or bad, I cannot yet tell, but it is something new, and I will leap gracefully into the unknown.

"We are each our own devils, and we make this world our hell." Oscar Wilde

Each day is the first day of my life. I am excited, nervous, terrified. My life is changing again, though the things from my past, bills mostly, the disconnect from family and friends, remain. But I am getting better at those things. Never perfect, but better.

I finished City Year on June 17th, 2010 with a new perspective on education. City Year Boston is disorganized, but I learned more there than I have in a while. I left feeling qualified and prepared to put my experience to use. I also sent my nieces and nephew tons of books because I want them to have the world. Last week I finished my summer job with the English Language Center, and I must say that I have never had more fun on a job before. It has been my favorite job until now (surpassing Heifer...), and I made some great friends. I fell in love with Boston and about 150 14-17 year olds from around the globe (mainly from Spain). I began training for a new job today with Eckerd Youth Alternatives, and for me it was review of the same old things: CPR, First Aid. Useful, nonetheless, and I will be grateful for the reminder. I will see how things go as this week of "soft" skills continues. Next week is "hard" skills, and that is when the journey truly begins. I must say that I feel as if I've been progressing towards this all of my life. The true first step to reaching my own private pure being (though how I can hope to have "private" pure being is beyond me). This experience will not be without challenges, both mental and physical, some psychological, but I will face and endure them more easily than I have before because I recognize the endgame of this leg of the journey.

Happiness, self-acceptance, satisfaction, cessation of fear.

These are my big four ideals.

It has been a long time since I felt truly happy. I have faked my way through many counseling sessions and situations, but my unhappiness remained, hidden beneath layers of fake smiles. My love, however, should never be doubted. I've enjoyed and loved people through my unhappiness, and I don't doubt they've felt the same for me. But my personal joy has been almost non-existent. The main reason I haven't succumb to my sometimes crushing sorrow is the glint of hope that there must be something better. After these trials, I will be happier.

One of the songs I've been listening to a lot lately is "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco. Self-loathing has been a mark of mine since I could see and understand the difference between myself and others. For years, I used chemicals that would change my hair to look like someone else's hair; I obsessed over never obtaining a flat stomach while being too lazy to do so (many of my clothes may actually be too small because I always guess that I am thinner than I am); I hid myself behind accessories; I wept for countless nights because my smile wasn't perfect; I was worried that I was never smart or interesting enough. Even now, I am burdened by these thoughts (my hair is natural now, but I hate that it isn't growing and keep wearing wigs to change it). My next few years will be devoted to working hard to accept myself while making myself into who I want to be. There is nothing to stop me now but my own determination.

Tied into the previous ideal is my search for satisfaction. This time will be my Walden. A time for detachment and personal growth. A time to cure my mental disease. A time to heal. Five of seven days (if it is a normal week; up to 21 if it is abnormal) will find me in the woods, detached from the outside world. My cell phone loses reception within a half mile of my work place. At night, we see by kerosene lanterns. In the winter, our cabins/tents are heated by wood burning stoves. Our time-off house has amenities, but I will work to keep myself loose. I am excited about shaking off the bonds that keep me pitying myself for not being a pretty girl with pretty things. Instead I will focus on building my mental energies. However, I plan to write once a "weekend" whenever I am able.

Cessation of fear is my biggest concern, over any other. Fear keeps me from moving forward, and I am ready to feel something new. On the way to training, I cried on both airplanes worse than I have before because of fear that we'd fall out of the sky. I have two more flights back to Rhode Island that I'm unsure of how I'll handle. I am planning a trip to Spain in January, my first trip overseas, and I plan to go to the doctor so that I may be prescribed something to calm my nerves or put me to sleep. But I would rather work on removing my fear altogether. The only trip I've ever taken in which I wasn't afraid was my first trip to Iowa. I'd made peace with my life, and that has made all the difference. Since then, I have digressed to a fear that is worse than ever. This fear lies more in my spirit, I think, and when I solve that, which I plan to work on vehemently, calm will take it's place.

I have given my life a tall order for the next few years, but I have no doubts about my ability to accomplish all that I desire. I am more focused than ever now that my goals are within reach, and if it means that I must forego a few quick pleasures for pleasures far greater, I will be happy to do it. No one has ever seen me shine like I will.

All praise is to God. It's been a long time, my Friend.