I feel that have glossed over the incredible impact of the last two years. It has been the most transformative period of my life thus far, but what can I truly say about the insight I've gained through service? I don't want to devote my life to money or live an existence with little meaning. Feeling fulfilled has become a passion of mine, and I yearn for it like a junkie yearns for that next hit. My senior year of college, I received a photo frame from my Area Coordinator, Dan, which highlighted this quote:
"This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
George Bernard Shaw
This is the quote with which I have come to realize my worldview. Five years ago when I decided to switch majors for the happiness of it, my thinking shifted with me. I planned to throw myself into life, falling in love with every person I met absolutely and completely, showering the world with the more pleasant aspects of my personality, placing the Other before myself because it is the right thing to do. Looking back over the past five years, I realize those plans have not changed but only increased in depth and intensity. What began as a year off out of necessity has become the single greatest decision of my life.
I have traveled to far off places, encountering so many interesting individuals. Even now I sit in a hotel lobby in North Carolina contemplating how I came to be here. I have learned about love and neverending hope and endurance. I have learned about starting over. And each new journey has brought me closer to pure being.
I recognize two things of modern culture that have stirred me to continue on my way. Last year I read the book Eat Pray Love, or I should say I devoured it. Neglecting the divorce that brought on Elizabeth Gilbert's crushing depression and the padded bank account she possessed from years of a successful career, her story is one with which I identify. I know the yearning the soul can have for the experience she ultimately would take (studying at an ashram in India has been on my list since I first studied Hinduism way back in 2007, two whole years before I'd read the book). These years I have spent have thoroughly prepped me to take on my own challenge. As soon as I set a few affairs in order, I am purchasing Spanish Rosetta Stone and studying as hard as possible so that I can converse with my friends when I visit them in Spain this January.
The second is the movie Yes Man. I saw it recently, and it, too, has enhanced my life. With all my ambition and desire, I have denied myself frequently out of fear, and for that, my life has become stagnant even though I am bursting to fly. My biggest regrets have come from putting things before people, including myself, and I won't make those same mistakes again. I will challenge myself to begin taking advantage of the myriad opportunities I usually deny.
So that is where I stand. Two years and thousands of miles and faces have brought me to stand on the edge of a chasm staring into the abyss. God is beckoning, "Jump with me. Opportunity awaits." Whether it is good or bad, I cannot yet tell, but it is something new, and I will leap gracefully into the unknown.
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