Today definitely ranks among the worst birthdays I've ever had. I've been spit on by verbal acid, endured eight out of eleven boys trying to break me down. I'm still honeymooning and the words they say out of frustration haven't yet hit home. If and when they do, if and when I crack, I know it's time to move on to the next great adventure. Right now I am still learning. Right now I am still patient, and I feel more patience in this job than I'd felt in jobs where I received more rest. Somehow I know they need me. They are testing me, staring me down, trying to find what works to get past my diamond exterior (only diamond for their negativity, absolutely permeable for the positive things that define them, that can really change them for the better). But they don't know that I am like goblin's silver, only imbibing those things that make me stronger.
My camp Bee Ef Ef left me high and dry on Tuesday afternoon, and I was more melancholy than I'd anticipated. Our last night we stayed up for hours discussing life, how we are affected by our pasts, and what our futures might hold. I miss him lots and hope he's happy. The only thing that I wish he would know is that I truly believed that I had released my guard, but I know now that there is much more on which to work. Intimacy was never my strong suit.
And maybe that's why this job is proving so difficult to me. It's hard to get into my campers' quality worlds, hard for them to trust me. I see in each boy a huge capacity for good. I see in them a desire and ambition. In every boy. Even the ones that hate me because I'm a stranger and want to do for them what their parents and other adults didn't.
I wish I could continue, but I must leave...this is bullshit.
Rachel! I feel so special to have been mentioned in your blog. By the way thanks for everything it has definitely been awesome getting to connect with one another and being able to talk about life. I real hope well get the chance to meet up somewhere as i know our friend has only started and continues to grow. So with that said my friend i hope that everything beings to work out for you at camp and that you dont stress your self out. Well amiga with love i wish you nothing but the best this new year of being one year older. Keep up the hard work...c-ya later!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth I send all of my love! I definitely look up to your strength.
ReplyDeleteI'll be impatiently waiting the day when you have that "breakthrough" moment with the boys. They need you.